"DISCLAIMERS"
Maybe the absence of television for a while makes you pay closer attention to it when you plug back in. I’m not really sure. Whatever the case may be, now that I once again have a steady diet of this medium on advertising steroids, I am shocked at the number of commercials that spend half their exorbitant airtime disclaiming the very products they are trying to sell.
You know what I’m talking about. Somewhere either at the beginning or the end of a commercial, a voice that sounds pretty much like someone who has been sucking on helium rapidly blows through copy to inform you of the dire consequences their product can produce. For example, there’s Nexium, “the Purple Pill.” After floating along with people draped in purple through a garden of relief from acid reflux, the irritating voice punctures the moment by saying “people who take Nexium may suffer side effects including headache, diarrhea, and abdominal pain.” Wow! How can something that’s supposed to soothe your stomach create diarrhea and abdominal pain?
My personal favorite falls in the category of potency enhancers. I believe it is a Cialis commercial (and, NO, I’m not even referring to the four-hour erection warning that always grabs the attentive admiration of every man I know when he hears it.) In the middle of this disclaimer, all of a sudden the voice rapidly warns “Cialis is NOT for women who are nursing…..” Gee….I thought it was normal protocol for nursing mothers to take erectile dysfunction drugs. How stupid of me.
I have noticed a couple of instances recently of what might be called “claimers” - that is to say actually making a statement to make you feel better about the product. The only problem is “claimers” want to make you feel better about something that maybe you shouldn’t. For example, the other day I was frying some Applewood Smoked Bacon. It’s a very good brand of bacon, tasty, crisp and, (by the way) organic. As I was standing over the stove cooking a few slices, I decided to read the packaging. It started with the bold headline “Sunday Bacon – The Bacon for Those Who Seek.” Okay, you’ve got my interest – seek what? Did you know that when you are buying bacon you could seek “aroma…humane… safe smoke… simplicity… slow and…community?” I had no idea.
The one that particularly caught my attention was the claim to be “Certified Humane.” I read further.
“Meets the Humane Farm Animal Care Program standards. Which include nutritious diet without antibiotics, or promotants, animals raised with shelter, resting areas, sufficient space and the ability to engage in natural behaviors.”
That sounds all well and good. But after all of the resting and frolicking in a natural way, these humanely treated animals are still slaughtered to make bacon!!! Maybe that was something Applewood thought I would overlook. And, please tell me, what are “promotants?”
One morning recently, I was washing my hands in the marina facilities. There are no paper towels in the bathroom. They only have a hand dryer. I forget this every time I go in there. While standing at the dryer, slapping my hands together in the air blowing out of the bottom, I noticed the following commentary written next to the instructions.
“Dryers help protect the environment. They save trees from being used for paper towels. They eliminate paper towel waste. They are more sanitary to use than paper and help maintain facilities.”
That’s terrific. The only problem is…..they DON’T DRY HANDS!!! I am always leaving the bathroom wiping my hands on my pants. I don’t like hand dryers and this “claimer” won’t change that.
Maybe what I need is a couple of “disclaimers.” Basically, I’m a nice person and could advertise myself as such. But, in all honesty, people need to know - “If your activity requires staying awake after 9:00 PM, you may experience some irritability.” Or, “Prolonged absence from golf can lead to violent repercussions.” Fair warning, but at least I don’t cause headaches, diarrhea or abdominal pain!
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